Back in the day, when I knew nothing about God or His Divine Love, well, what was I thinking? When I wasn't immersed in reading whatever novel I could get my hands on to slip away from my ho-hum life, then I was usually daydreaming. This was in the early years when I wished I was somewhere else.
When I finally arrived at somewhere else, of course, I brought my baggage, both mental and material, with me and I soon discovered exactly what a screwed up mess my head was in. And it was the worst kind of self-loathing. I guess I could go through a huge list of what I didn't like about myself, from top to bottom, the whole shebang... but, frankly, there was nothing wrong with me... it was just what I was thinking. That's all.
But as we know, thoughts are things, and did I ever have a bad attitude. Not so much about other people, but about what I perceived they thought about me. I'm pretty certain now, this mind-set would have been different, but because I grew up in a home where love and affection weren't displayed it was detrimental to my mind and soul, as it was something I sincerely craved and I felt I was being deprived of it. So I turned against me... I'll spare you the details, but let's just say that I went through what is best described as a hellish nightmare for about a year.
It's amazing that I was able to function, but being a walking zombie isn't really all that difficult. That's how I felt... no feelings, no emotions, nothing. I don't recall exactly when it was that I finally snapped out of this pity party, but I do know one thing, during this whole ordeal, I didn't once seek out God, because I didn't know who He was. I never said one prayer. It all just eventually worked itself out.
So that was then and this is now... lots of stuff happened in between, so stay tuned for more. The reason for my sharing this tale of woe is to explain the transformation of how God's Divine Love gradually changes us over time and all of the old baggage and mental hang-ups and all that just disappear and we eventually discover that we do truly love ourselves and we cherish the blessings that our Heavenly Father bestows upon us.
As I wrote, being a lost soul and living in my own little hell on earth didn't immediately cause me to seek for God. I continued in my sinful ways for a few more years living the life that I felt gave me happiness... and that was just being a party girl and having fun... well, it was my kind of fun at the time.
When I first learned about Jesus' teachings from my sister, there was no epiphany or aha moment for me. Rather, my thinking and attitude was, "So what." Just because she was excited and thrilled to read the messages, well, she was of the opinion that I should be, too. Wrong! I could have cared less, frankly. She was just lucky that I didn't have an answering machine on my telephone then, because if I did, I would never have answered her nightly calls.
I do remember her telling me about Helen and James Padgett and reading to me Helen's messages. No doubt, she probably read every message in one of the volumes, but I just let her words go in one ear and out the other. And being the nice person that I am, I didn't hang up on her.
But you know what they say, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Well, in my case, here was the teacher, but I wasn't ready. What I didn't know at the time, of course, is that my soul was being prepared for its awakening. But in my mind and what was I thinking... "Why is she telling me all this?"... I just didn't want to know.
I am sharing this tidbit of information about how it was for me in the beginning so that people will understand that those of us who follow Jesus' teachings have had our own unique experience in finding and embracing them. It's not a once size fits all scenario, because we are all different... that was then and this is now and those of us here who truly are devoted to our Heavenly Father and these teachings have arrived at our commonality of purpose and a certain degree of God's Divine Love to do the work that we are called to do at this time.
To help clarify my earlier posts here, I just wanted everyone to know that I have always believed there is a God. But as I wrote in my testimony that is posted on the website, I was exposed to several different churches as a child so this resulted in my religious confusion.
What was I thinking? Is God sitting on a throne in Heaven? Is there a Trinity? Are God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit all the same thing? Is Jesus really God? How can a woman be a virgin and have a baby? Is there a devil with a pitchfork running around in a hell where there are fires? If I go to hell, will I be there forever? Is the end of the world coming? If it's coming, when will it happen?
When I left my childhood home for good, I left those questions there, too, as I wanted to be free of them. Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that my questions would be answered sooner, rather than later on in my life.
As I wrote in my earlier post, I wasn't ready to learn about the messages when they were presented to me. What was I thinking? I'm thinking.... later on... like when I'm retired and I would have time for God, that's when I'll want to know about all this... not when I'm in my 20's for Heaven's sake!
But, alas, and lo and behold, that's exactly when it was that I finally said, okay, let me read that book. And wouldn't you know that I loved reading every word it... all those wonderful messages that really are so easy to read and understand, with all the descriptions about the spirits and the spirit world. And Jesus' writings of God's truths went straight to my heart and soul and I cried, because I just knew it was him.
What immediately came to me when I embraced the messages, was that I was free at last. It felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders and I was at peace. All of my questions were answered and, more importantly, I knew who I was, where I came from, and where I was going. And the frosting on the cake, of course, was receiving God's Divine Love after reading Jesus' prayer several times.
So this was the beginning of my transformation from a lost soul to a redeemed soul, where I now refer to God as my Father and I am His devoted child, who is very committed to following His Will. This last part didn't happen overnight, but has been a lifelong process as the more of His Divine Love that I have received, the closer I am to Him. God's Divine Love has given me an attitude adjustment and I am so blessed.